The next two stages of grief are often inverted as far as when they might manifest in someone life. The two stages feed off one another and are somewhat interdependent in order to survive and thrive. However, being interdependent means that once one is effectively dealt with the other will most likely die. These two stages are guilt and hostility or anger coupled with resentment.

At this point, the grieving person begins to feel guilt relating to the loss they have suffered. They might focus on their own past wrong actions relating to the loss, their mistreatment of the person they have lost, or their neglect in the situations where they have suffered a loss. It is quite common to spend a period of time only focused on the negative or less desirable aspects of the relationship[s] at the center of the loss, the wrongs done to one another, and the ugly things that were said.

In so doing, the griever might exaggerate wrongs that took place or even imagine wrongs that did not take place. Either way to some degree, the wrongs the griever struggles with are real to them and must be dealt with. The Scripture tells us, to ‘confess our sins one to another and to pray for one another, so our healing can come.’ That is exactly what the griever should do. They should find someone to talk with and unburden the real feelings of guilt they are carrying, thus putting the feelings into perspective so they can move on.

James 5:16 (KJV-AV)

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Most importantly, one must go to Christ Jesus and seek forgiveness for the wrongs they have done to the person they have lost. If the person has died who was wronged, then the griever cannot go to them for forgiveness. In still other cases, it might not be possible to reach out to the person involved in one’s loss therefore finding forgiveness without direct interaction with the wounded party is necessary. The griever must seek forgiveness from God, forgive himself or herself, and often they also have got to be willing to forgive the person they have lost for the wrongs done to them as well. Forgiveness is a major part of any form of healing.

In dealing with this process for some people the hostility, anger, and/or resentment begins to emerge. Then for other people the hostility, anger, and/or resentment is covering up or acts as an introduction to the guilt they are feeling. Whether the hostility, anger, and/or resentment precedes or follows the guilt, it must be effectively brought under control and then ultimately eliminated.

This hostility and resentment can be directed toward the person who has been lost, the people involved such as spiritual leaders, medical personnel, caregivers, family, perpetrators, or God. Here the griever is wrestling with “the cause” or “who caused” their loss. The griever might vacillate between searching for someone to blame and their own guilty feelings over having not done more. Again, the idea that they or anyone else could have done any more to prevent the loss may not be realistic but feelings during grief are not based on what is realistic. Questions emerge such as, “Why didn’t he or she fight harder to survive?” “Why didn’t the staff do more to save my loved one?” “Why didn’t my spiritual leader’s prayers work?” What is more, the biggest question of them all, “Why did God let this happen?”

Feelings of anger toward God are difficult for Christians to acknowledge and deal with. However, God is well aware of their inner feelings and talking them over with another godly mature Christian can be very helpful to the grieving person.

Hostility during grief is part of the healing process but it is not something that should be ignored or encouraged, it should instead be dealt with as quickly as possible. Anger has a tendency to grow when left unchecked and it can grieve The Spirit in a Christian if they do not lay it aside.

Ephesians 4:31 (NKJV)

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

In the next part of this series, part eight, we will examine stage eight of grief.

Spiritual/Political Disclaimer:

This blog will not be for the faint of heart or the easily offended. It will not be in any way politically correct. It will make every effort to share the truth in love, [Ephesians 4:11-16], to a decaying and dying society and church. I share what I share not to hurt, harm, or offend any person[s] or group; I do it because Christ’s Standard and Truth is not being represented by enough of His Followers and I do it out of love. I love enough to tell His Truth.

Ephesians 4:11-16 NKJV

¹¹And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, ¹²for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, ¹³till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; ¹⁴that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, ¹⁵but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— ¹⁶from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.